The Best Valentine Ever
By the time you read this, your chocolate and/or champagne hangover from Valentine's Day will have long subsided, but it's still timely to talk about the best Valentine - or for that matter, Christmas or Birthday - gift: the lover's massage.
Anyone out there who has never used the "innocent back rub" as an entrée to physical intimacy with someone who strikes your fancy but with whom you haven't yet developed a sexual relationship raise your hand...not many of you I'd wager. It's popular because it works: getting in someone's physical bubble through soothing touch - without any other agenda than being close and giving pleasure - is a surefire bridge to intimacy in all forms: physical, emotional, and spiritual.
The benefits of therapeutic massage are well-known and documented. In the context of sexuality, sensual massage is equally powerful as a beneficial force. Sex therapists include among their "prescription" directions to a couple to use sensual, pleasurable touch for an assigned amount of time and sessions without any breast or genital involvement. This assignment is given to couples who have developed problems with maintaining regular, satisfying sexual activity. Often the lapse is due to discomfort, performance anxiety, resentments, anger, fatigue, or other accumulated detritus of human experience that can pile up in the middle of a couple's sexual relationship, keeping them from connecting sexually. By removing the expectation of sexual activity involving arousal and climax, couples feel permissioned to enjoy touching and being touched. This reminds them of the basic experience of pleasurable sensations as both giver and receiver without the "burden" or "expectation" of sex. The giver can focus on what they love and enjoy about their partner: the way they look, feel, smell, or all the loving or endearing things about them that were originally attractive. The receiver can relax and focus on his or her own body and sensations without worrying about reciprocating; or not being able to climax; or feeling resentful that their partner "wants something from them."
Many people have difficulty being present and focused in their bodies; intentional sensual massage is an excellent way to develop the ability to truly inhabit your body while experiencing physical touch - and sexual sharing - so that you can feel the full range of sensations and pleasures.
Whether for therapeutic reasons to overcome a sexual détente, or just because you want to show your lover how much you love, appreciate and enjoy them, massage is always an excellent and safe tool of pleasure in the bedroom. Dim the lights, select some nice music, light the candles and dedicate time, space, and mental and emotional energy to a shared physical dance of touch with your lover with no strings attached. You'll feel the joy of giving - and receiving - a wonderful gift.
Bren Manaugh, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist
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