The Green-Eyed Monster Understanding Jealousy
At one time or another most people have felt the emotional pinch of jealousy - either within themselves or from a partner. It's a very uncomfortable feeling; one that people often do not manage well. In sexual relationships, jealousy is triggered by real, imagined, or suspected involvement with a third person. There ARE ways in which jealousy can be a useful tool in a relationship: when it is triggered by real boundary violations, it is an indication of problems that need attention. Jealousy due to suspected transgressions may also be useful if it is used to trigger proactive communication. In the case of imagined wrongdoings, it is incumbent on the person experiencing the jealousy to understand and manage their own feelings.
The feelings accompanying jealousy are an intense and uncomfortable mix of fear, hurt, anger, doubt and depression. Being overwhelmed by these feelings can lead to acting out in hurtful or other inappropriate ways, which can damage a relationship. The first step in understanding jealousy is determining the source of the jealousy (either yours or your partner's) and examining your own feelings and actions. Are you feeling jealous because of a real, imagined or suspected violation of your boundaries? If your partner is expressing jealous feelings toward you, have you done anything to violate his or her boundaries or trust?
What if you come home and hear a voice mail message to your partner from an old flame that sounds like maybe they're remembering your partner just a little too fondly and trying to get a spark going again? You find that you are feeling jealous. Is this due to real, imagined, or suspected boundary violations? It depends on the history of past behaviors in regard to respecting the boundaries of the relationship, the circumstances around the event, the status of current commitment to the relationship, and the style of communication.
In the scenario, critical elements are the history of your partner's behaviors with you; and how she or he reacts to the message AND to your questions about the message. If your partner makes it clear that he or she has no interest in responding to the call, and otherwise reaffirms the commitment to you in a respectful way, then there is no reason to be jealous. If you continue to feel jealous without further reason, then that is imagined jealousy and it is your responsibility to work through it by reassuring yourself. However, if your partner has a history of "straying" then perhaps the message might be an indication of more transgressions that have occurred or will occur, and this would then be
"suspected" jealousy. In that case, attempt to have positive, constructive communication - keeping your fear, anger, and hurt from past experiences under control - to seek from your partner an honest appraisal of their intentions and current commitment to you. You have a right to ask for that. At the same time, he or she has a right to be believed and judged for their current behavior and commitment without constantly being dragged through the "museum of hurts" if she or he has "atoned" for past transgressions and is making a sincere effort and
commitment to you and your relationship. But he or she also needs to recognize that it can take time to rebuild trust.
Any time you feel the green-eyed monster sneaking up on you, before reacting, pause to consider if the jealousy you're feeling is real, suspected or imagined, and this will give you clues how to vanquish it.
Bren Manaugh, MSW, LCSW is a Psychotherapist and AASECT-certified Sex Therapist
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