It’s Hard to be Proud When You Feel Ashamed
It's time to celebrate Gay Pride once again. And we should feel proud that we continue to make strides to be recognized as diversely interesting, valuable, and contributing members of society! But, while we're becoming more "main-stream," as gay, lesbian, bisexual and queer* individuals, our sexual expression continues to be outside the norm.
Because our sexual relationships are not generally accepted, but also at the core of our identity, this creates an inner conflict. When the essence of who we are is met with rejection, contempt, hatred, or even violence, it affects how we feel about ourselves as sexual beings. On top of that, for all its obsession with sex, American culture is actually pretty sex-negative. Sex permeates everything, but we don't embrace and support positive views of sexual expression. Think of sex education as it has always been taught: "Sex is dirty; save it for someone you love." Most of us have absorbed negative, even shame-inducing, messages about sex from our families, religious or faith upbringing, and/or society at large. Add to that pervasive homophobia, which is alive and well, and it can be difficult to truly celebrate our sexuality in healthy, positive ways. I have even seen repression of sexuality at gay pride events where condom advertising or distribution has been banned in favor of maintaining a "family friendly" environment. If we can't express our wonderful alternative sexuality in appropriate, respectful, and fun ways at a gay pride event, then where in the world can we?
As a sex therapist, I see the many ways that internalized sexual shame wreaks havoc on people and their relationships. Sexual avoidance; inability to achieve orgasm; self-loathing of one's body; promiscuous or unsafe sex that may be health- or even life-threatening; alcoholism and other substance misuse; and choosing partners that are not affirming and supportive, perhaps even abusive, are a few examples of the negative effects of sexual shame.
In honor of Gay Pride, take a few moments to self-inventory your own sexuality. Is sex a source of joy, fun, pleasure, and/or positive expression for you? Do you feel good about your body as a source of pleasure and sexual expression? Is there anything about your sex life that causes you pain – emotional, mental, physical or spiritual? Is sex something to celebrate in your life, or something to avoid? Do you have people in your life who embrace and celebrate you not in spite of, but because of, your sexual orientation? If any of your answers are troubling to you, then take this opportunity to seek sources of healing for your sexual self, and be out, loud and proud!
*I have not included Transgender/Transsexual here because these are gender identities rather than sexual orientations
Bren Manaugh, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist
|
|
Tweet |
|