Second Dates and U-Hauls Reflections on “Dating”
You have probably heard that joke: “What does a lesbian take on a 2nd date? A U-Haul. What does a gay man take on a second date: What second date?” Like most jokes, this one capitalizes on stereotypes: that women immediately become monogamous and exclusive as soon as they meet someone they like, and that gay men don’t date to build intimate relationships, but just screw around. That may not be entirely true, but it’s a great jumping off point to a conversation about dating.
Can I just say it? Lesbians are generally lousy at dating. Dating is defined here as “a form of courtship…undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse.” As I’ve emphasized in this definition from Wikipedia, dating is about assessing if someone fills the bill to make a deeper commitment; it’s a process of getting to know someone. The commitment to go out on a date or two should not equal immediate commitment, or exclusivity. This also means that you can date more than one person at a time. In fact, I highly recommend it. Date, play, have fun, get to know someone else—and even yourself—better. Getting to know someone well enough to determine if they are someone to whom you should make a deeper or exclusive commitment takes time and shared experiences with that person. Lesbians have serial monogamy tendencies. A relationship ends and then as soon as they encounter someone they find ___ (fill in the blank sexy, fun, attractive, desirable…), they become exclusive with that person and become a “couple.”
In previous columns I have emphasized that the foundation for a fulfilling sex life and lasting relationship is shared intimacy. Intimacy is based on truly knowing someone and allowing yourself to be known. This takes time, trust, and taking the risk to be vulnerable and real. If you date someone and find that their appeal and trustworthiness grows over time, then that’s a good foundation to take mutual steps toward deepening intimacy and a commitment. That’s a good point at which to consider the U-Haul.
While I am a sex therapist, and thus a huge fan of sex, I recommend waiting a while to be sexual. Rather than jumping into sex immediately the moment you feel quivers for someone, enjoy that delicious anticipation and take some time to get to know her or him better. Either your attraction will grow, or it will diminish. If the attraction diminishes as you learn more about that person, then you have avoided becoming locked into a committed situation with someone who is not the ideal partner.
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