She Bop! Part 2
How do women embrace their capacity to pleasure, befriend and comfort themselves sexually on their own? Can solitary sex be just as much fun and satisfying as sex with a partner? These were the cliffhangers with which I ended last month’s column. In the meantime, people have approached me as I’m out and about and said they were anxious for answers, so I must have piqued the interest of at least a few readers out there!
I’ve discussed in previous columns that desire is at the core of sexual fulfillment. Desire is the fuel for the sexual fire and without it, sex feels cold and unfulfilling. So desire - and the arousal it leads to - is necessary to have fulfilling solitary sex but how does a woman kindle desire without a partner? Because women experience themselves in the context of relationship and depend on such connections for fulfillment (see last month’s column), sex without a partner may seem lacking. To successfully self-love - find sexual fulfillment on her own - a woman must be able to be her own friend, lover, and partner. Developing this is in addition to having relationships; not instead of them. By being able to validate her own value, worth, and desirability, a woman will not only be able to have fulfilling solitary sex, but will also find all her relationships deepened and strengthened. Pay attention to your self talk; what kind of messages do you give yourself? When you tune in you may be surprised at how awful you are to yourself. Practice stopping such thoughts and replacing them with messages you would give to a beloved friend or partner to validate their value, worth, and desirability; you deserve the same.
In addition to validating yourself in the way we usually look to a lover to do, the other critical element is finding ways to kick up your desire dial. On a desire scale that runs from 1-10, with 1 being “switched off” and 10 being highly aroused and poised to climax, the “resting” or everyday state for most people is about 2 or 3. In order to have good sex, we must kick up the desire level to a point where arousal is sufficient to lead to climax. Raising your desire level to this point without a partner requires finding ways to stimulate your self physically AND mentally. Tools to accomplish this include sex toys, fantasy, and erotic books or movies. Consider what is arousing to you when with a partner, and how you could replicate that with some of these tools. Or, allow your imagination to wonder about what you might find arousing and give it a try - you are your only audience and recipient so there are no worries about embarrassment or performance!
Bren Manaugh, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist
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