She-Bop! The Thrill of Self-Fulfillment
ignite has a diverse audience – men and women, straight and gay, and many variations of the above. While each of my columns is intended to have at least some relevance for all readers, some will speak more to certain readers than others. For example, last month’s topic of non-“vanilla,” or alternative, sexual practices may not appeal to all my readers, and may even offend some. To that I would say “good;” because whether you are intrigued or offended, I have engaged your sexual self in a dialogue.
So, with that intro, I will launch into my topic for this time: masturbation – a topic which can make some people squirmy. I suspect that most of my male readers have few qualms about engaging in masturbation and in fact regularly include it in their sexual repertoire. This is probably true for a sizable number of female readers as well. However – and this is a generalization gathered from providing sex therapy – women tend to be more reluctant than men to consider masturbation a fulfilling form of sexual practice on a par with partnered sex. It may be considered a sad substitute, a “filler until the real thing comes along,” or even considered to be pointless.
For many women, having sex is tied to the “urge to merge” or to feel a sense of deep connection with another person. Women’s orientation to self and others is based on relationships and depends on such connections for fulfillment. While a discussion exploring the psychological and sociological theoretical origins of this is outside the scope of this column, it helps explain the reluctance of women to consider masturbation to be just as good as “doing it” with a partner. At the same time, for decades, advocates for women’s ownership of their sexuality have challenged the cultural presumption that women’s sexual needs and fulfillment are secondary to or dependent on their [male] partners. Lonnie Barbach’s groundbreaking book, For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality, originally published in 1976, made a compelling argument for how women can take ownership of their own sexual experience, including developing sexual self-knowledge and satisfaction through masturbation. In 1976, this was revolutionary. In this post-feminist age, many might think that women are well beyond the notion that their sexual fulfillment is reliant on another. Sadly this is not true.
How do women embrace their capacity to pleasure, befriend and comfort themselves sexually on their own? Can solitary sex be just as much fun and satisfying as sex with a partner? My next column will explore these questions. Meanwhile, if you already have a great time masturbating, rock on. If you think you could do more of it or do it better, go ahead and practice and we’ll talk.
Bren Manaugh, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist.
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