Miss Prim July 2011
Dear Ms. Prim,
I've been in a committed relationship for just over three months now and I think I have found the one! Recently we've begun to talk about living together and our future as long-term partners. This being said, I am uncomfortable with the fact that my boyfriend still has photographs around the house and pictures in his phone of his ex, who he was with for nearly a decade.
Their relationship ended over three years ago, his ex was repeatedly unfaithful to him and they are no longer even on speaking terms. I’m still on friendly terms with my last significant relationship which only lasted three and a half year and ended six years ago. However, I have never felt the need to keep pictures of my ex.
He knows that I'm not comfortable with this but he's shown no sign of understanding how I feel. That then shifts my feelings from uncomfortable to angry. As we start to work on building our own life together, is it wrong for me to expect him to disconnect from his past so soon in our relationship? Should I just be patient and see if he eventually gets rid of these things on his own? I don't want the paper trail of memories of his ex following us into our home if and when we ever move in together. I don't think it's appropriate.
Confused in Converse
Dear ConCon,
Ah, this is an age-old question! Here's the truth, honey: this is not something you can dictate to him. It is absolutely essential in a relationship for each partner to respect the other's individuality, and sometimes that's hard to do. You say that you don't think it's appropriate and you even compare him to yourself when it comes to you throwing out old photos. But each person is different when it comes to situations like this. Realize, too, that even if he puts the pictures away in a box, it may take him a very long time (if ever) to actually throw the photos out.
One of the things you have to ask yourself as your feelings shift "from uncomfortable to angry" is "Why am I angry?" Is it because you really see him as holding on to the memory of his ex, or is it because he isn't meeting your expectations and timetable for putting away the final remembrances? If it's the latter, then your emotions may be, at least in this instance, keeping you from seeing the situation clearly.
I'm not saying that your feelings don't matter though, dear. They most certainly do! It can be trying for you to see these photos around the house, but three months is a short amount of time to be with someone. When you actually get to the point of planning to move in together, then would be a great time to bring this topic up again. Focus on telling him how the move is a fresh start for you both. Reassure your BF that you love him and politely ask if he would mind stowing the photos in a box somewhere when you live together. Tell him that you respect him for wanting to have a connection with his past, but also tell him that it would mean a lot to you if he reciprocated that respect by putting away the visual reminders of that past. Best wishes, dearie! Patience is often its own reward, and I hope that will be true in your case.
Miss Prim likes to think that the occasional pearl of wisdom falls from her mouth sometimes, but the only thing she's licensed to do is drive a car (and, honey, have you seen her driving?!)
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